


Instruments of Mass Destruction

by yamarik



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Marching Band, Chaos, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24339310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamarik/pseuds/yamarik
Summary: When the band director at Ashinaka High put together a marching band, he didn't realize that he was gathering all the school's problem children in one place.OR the high school marching band au that no one needed.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	1. Prologue and First Practice

**Author's Note:**

> First off: this is written in the style of "Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies", a Bleach fic on ffnet. There's no real plot here, just people getting into trouble. Secondly, this is something I work on when I'm having writer's block, so who knows how often it will update or even how long it will be. I do have a few chapters already written though, since my muse has been rather sporadic recently (anyone know what kinds of offerings muses like?).   
> Anyways... Enjoy!

_A notice from Kokujouji Daikaku, director of bands at Ashinaka High School:_

Dear Students, 

It is my pleasure to inform you that, after ten years and much petitioning, the principal of our esteemed school has relented and will permit us to reform the Ashinaka High School Kings marching band. However, as no one wants a repeat of the so-called Kagutsu Incident that had the marching band previously disbanded, this reformation is probationary. Should the principal feel that the behavior of our band is inappropriate, all marching band activities will cease immediately. As such, I have decided that any students who display less than exemplary behavior shall be publicly called out in memos directed to the entire band. I understand this may be quite uncomfortable for some of you, but we need to convince the principal that we can be trusted with this. 

I look forward to working with all of you this season. Anyone interested in the drum major position or being a section leader should stop by the band suite to pick up an application. Auditions will be held in two weeks time. 

Regards, 

Director Kokujouji Daikaku 

* * *

_One month later, following the first practice:_

**Literally everyone:** Your equipment needs to be treated properly, and should only be handled as it was intended to be. _**Instruments are NOT weapons.**_

**Ameno Miyabi:** In regards to the previous announcement, I must request that you stop making such ungodly noises with your piccolo, it is not a dog whistle. You’re really going to damage people’s eardrums, if you haven’t done so already. 

**Awashima Seri:** I’m sure we’re all very impressed with your fencing prowess, but please keep in mind that your clarinet is not to be wielded as a sword, saber, foil, epee, bokken, shinai, or any other such weapon. 

**Isana Yashiro:** Yes, you need to show up to practice. You’re the drum major, you should be setting an example. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** You are responsible for getting the dents out of your tuba. Let this be a lesson to you about trying to crush people with your instrument. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Thank you for only weaponizing your neck strap, and not your actual instrument, however, that is still unacceptable behavior. I will make you march without your neck strap if necessary. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** Thank you for actually taking care of your instrument, however, violence towards people who so much as get dirt on your mellophone will have to stop. We march on a field. A rather poorly tended field, I might add. There will be dirt, and it will get on your horn. Get used to it, please. 

**Kushina Anna:** Good job stopping the fight that broke out in today’s practice, but did you really have to ask the judo club for help? They were rather indiscriminate about who they threw, and some of the bystanders are traumatized. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** Sneaking up behind people to play your trumpet in their ear is not acceptable. None of your fellow band members are Beethoven; they need to be able to hear. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** Throwing drumsticks at people who are annoying you is not allowed. Please learn some anger management. 

**Totsuka Tatara:** I’m not sure if you were trying to participate in the chaos of today’s practice when you got tangled in your own flag, but as it is, I’m wondering if perhaps you shouldn’t switch sections. 

**Hisui Nagare:** I must ask you to stop using drum calls except when asked for them. The execution drum call in particular was not helpful. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** Self-defense is all well and good, but please take off the crash symbols first next time. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Having an in-depth knowledge of your instrument is indeed wise. However, demonstrating that knowledge by dismantling your instrument on the field in order to use the various valve pieces as projectiles is ill-advised, and should be avoided from here on out. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** Yes, a saber is technically a weapon. No, you may not use the color guard sabers to fight people. 

**Munakata Reisi:** As impressive as it was that you managed to continue practicing your flute while simultaneously using it to deflect flying drumsticks, please be more careful with your instrument. 

**Yata Misaki:** Your trombone is not a bat. Stop swinging it around. If you lose your slide again, it’ll be no one’s fault but your own. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** I don’t care if you were trying to stop the fight, you should never stand on a vibraphone.


	2. The Great Pudding Disaster

**Ameno Miyabi:** Please wear appropriate footwear to practice. I don’t care if you can jump around in those heels without breaking an ankle, you need to be able to roll-step march, not perform a tango. 

**Awashima Seri:** Please refrain from having your section practice advanced marching maneuvers until they are all capable of marching. The same can be said for marching with instruments. I have at least three clarinets sitting in my office waiting for repairs, and I think one of your section members may have suffered a concussion. 

**Isana Yashiro:** No you cannot Skype practices, you must show up in person. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** Please remember to stay hydrated. You are a section leader, if you end up sitting out, there is no one to lead your section. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Instruments are not to be used as food storage. Especially when it is not your instrument. Especially not when you have not consulted the owner of the instrument in question. And _especially_ not when the food you are storing is a large quantity of chocolate pudding. You are responsible for cleaning out Iwafune’s tuba, and you owe your fellow band members an apology for the trauma you caused. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** Please refrain from informing your section that they’re all dead to you and then proceeding to give them the silent treatment for the rest of practice. You too need to lead your section, and communication is necessary for that. 

**Kushina Anna:** Please tell me that isn’t paint on your flute. If you absolutely must have a red flute, I do believe you can buy flutes plated with red lacquer. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** The middle of sight-reading a section is not the time for an improv trumpet solo. Don’t pretend you forgot your part, you had the music right in front of you! 

**Gotou Ren:** No, I have not been to Peru before. Why the sudden interest in my travel habits? 

**Suoh Mikoto:** Stuffing a drum under your shirt and pretending to be pregnant is not appropriate behavior. Desist at once. 

**Surt Eric:** Please refrain from speaking foreign languages so that people can’t understand you. Yes you only asked Kamo if he’d seen your aunt’s lampshade, but you still left him in tears. 

**Doumyouji Andy:** Put that flag down. If you wanted to be in color guard, you should have auditioned. Please return to the trumpet section at once. 

**Totsuka Tatara:** Congratulations on not getting tangled in your flag today. Now please work on not getting others tangled in your flag instead. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Yes it is impressive that you can do taps for one section’s music sectional while simultaneously marching at a different tempo. Impressive, but eerie. Please stop. No one should march to the beat of a different drummer when they _are_ the drummer. 

**Hidaka Akira:** No, that was not an attempted mugging, that was merely Totsuka losing control of his flag again. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** Your cymbals are not a hat. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Using your band mates as human shields is not appropriate behavior, even if it _is_ raining pudding. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** When you notice that one of your section mates has been getting people tangled in his flag, following him around and sneaking up behind his victims to press your saber into their backs and say in a low tone “This is a stickup” is NOT the correct response. 

**Munakata Reisi:** Thank you for identifying the mystery substance that came spraying out of Iwafune’s tuba. However, doing so by licking the closest person’s face may not have been the best methodology. 

**Yata Misaki:** Please come out of the bathroom. I understand that being licked like that was unpleasant, but there is no need to spend half an hour scrubbing your face. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** Your dedication to instrument maintenance is admirable, but there’s no need to polish all the pit percussion instruments until they shine. No one will be able to see the band if they are blinded by the pit.


	3. Flag Disasters

**Akagi Shouhei:** Please stop chasing the piccolo players with a turban and green body paint. 

**Akiyama Himori:** I don’t care if Mishakuji is the guard captain, do not listen to him! There is no command to kiss your favorite band mate! Although I do supposed congratulations are in order for becoming the first band couple. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** If you are comfortable practicing in a minidress, that is your prerogative. However, if you insist on doing so, please be more careful about bending over. You made Enomoto faint. 

**Awashima Seri:** Please stop trying to teach your section members other marching styles. You’re only confusing them. They’re struggling enough with the roll-step, no need to throw in glide-step and chair-step and more. 

**Isana Yashiro:** Please stop throwing your water bottle and telling Yatogami to fetch. He is not a dog. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** Please get your instrument out of its case. It is not acceptable for you to buzz the entire show on your mouthpiece. 

**Enomoto Tatsuya:** Please open your eyes. I understand that you are intimidated by certain members of your section and that Ameno traumatized you earlier, but you march in much straighter lines if you keep your eyes open. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Please finish chewing before you play your instrument. Or better yet, stop snacking during practice. 

**Kamo Ryuuhou:** We do not use 270 turns. Please stop practicing them before you get dizzy. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** The middle of practice is not the time to be doing lighter tricks. In fact, you should not have a lighter on school grounds in the first place. Next time I see it, I’m confiscating it. 

**Kushina Anna:** Please do not offer to carry spare drumsticks for Suoh inside your flute. You cannot play it like that. 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** Please learn to tell left from right. Soon. Your collisions are doing almost as much damage as Totsuka’s flag. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** Video games are not allowed during practice. 

**Gotou Ren:** Just because I haven’t been to Peru doesn’t mean I am unaware of the existence, or rather nonexistence, of Peruvian instant darkness powder. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** When you hear someone suggest another person stick something “where the sun don’t shine” please, for the love of god, don’t offer to assist. 

**Surt Eric:** Please refrain from narrating interactions between your band mates in an Australian accent. Or any accent. They are not wild animals, and this is not the nature channel. 

**Chitose Yoh:** Please stop posing randomly. You are not a model, and the field is not a catwalk. 

**Dewa Masaomi:** … Are you trying to reenact scenes from “The Blues Brothers”? 

**Doumyouji Andy:** Being a trumpet player does not give you the right to randomly yell “Someone pay attention to me” during water breaks because you feel ignored. May I suggest a more productive use of your time? 

**Totsuka Tatara:** Yelling “Fore” when you lose control of a toss does not negate any responsibility you hold for injuries to band members or damage to their instruments. 

**Bandou Saburouta:** Yelling “Timber” when band members are knocked over by errant flags is not helpful. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Please take out your ear plugs when I am talking. You will not get hearing damage from my voice. Stop telling everyone otherwise. 

**Hidaka Akira:** I already told you that was Totsuka’s flag. It was not a ninja jutsu, a bankai, a gumgum fruit skill, a demon blood art, or any of that other anime nonsense. And it most certainly wasn’t Peruvian instant darkness powder, as there is no such thing as Peruvian instant darkness powder, whatever Gotou might say. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** After Yatogami was scolded for shining the pit instruments too much, you should have known better than to ask him to shine your cymbals for you. Please stop practicing cymbal tricks until they have acquired some tarnish, or get a different pair of crash cymbals. 

**Fujishima Kousuke:** Please refrain from bringing stray cats that you’ve picked up with you to practice. Especially when the stray cats become frightened by loud noises and opt to seclude themselves in inconvenient places. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Did you _have_ to explain the “bone” jokes to Yata? Really? We only just got him out of the bathroom after last practice’s mishap. 

**Fuse Daiki:** It was very kind of you to bring cookies for the band, however next time, please don’t announce that you did so until _after_ practice. Or find a better place to store them than your instrument locker, which Kamamoto has access to. 

**Benzai Yuujirou:** I understand you were a little bit shocked by getting kissed by your crush out of the blue, but please refrain from dousing your head in the band water cooler. Also, congratulations on becoming the first band couple. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** Please refrain from showering your band mates with glitter. I am told it itches. 

**Mishina Souta:** Put down that hose! 

**Munakata Reisi:** ...Is there a reason why you have transposed all other parts to flute? 

**Yata Misaki:** I am getting rather concerned for your vocal chords. It is one thing to make sure you are counting and responding to commands audibly, but another thing entirely to shout every single thing you say. Especially when half of what you say involves disparaging remarks aimed at your band mates, and sometimes includes swear words. Please keep the school image in mind. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** Why are there eyes drawn on your eyelids? 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** Thank you for the nutrition lecture. But how exactly does that relate to the third movement rhythms you were struggling with again?


	4. Plotting and Other Schemes

**Akagi Shouhei:** Fushimi is not courting Yata, so please stop encouraging their animosity for the sake of “aiding in their courtship rituals”. Someone could lose an eye. Or a limb. Or their life. Seriously, don’t encourage those two. Remember the first practice? 

**Ameno Miyabi:** Please stop meowing. I thought Fujishima had brought another stray and was concerned it had gotten stuck somewhere. You almost halted practice so the band could rescue a nonexistent cat. 

**Awashima Seri:** Obviously I don’t condone violence, but I’m sure that if you were to help Doumyouji suffer an accident in the next couple of days, it would certainly be justified. Not that I’m saying you can commit acts of violence against your fellow band members, of course not. 

**Isana Yashiro:** Just because the band is trying to learn their plots does not mean you can set up a hammock to nap in. Nor does it mean you can order the pit percussion section to attend to you as they are similarly unoccupied by plotting. 

**Inaba Sumika:** Please do not encourage Isana’s actions by providing fans used to decorate the flower arrangement club to wave at him. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** Get out of the hammock. Isana did not have permission to set it up, and you most certainly don’t have permission to take over it, especially since you’re supposed to be learning your plots and helping your section members with their own. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Under no circumstances are you to ever again try and play two saxophones at once. Also, whose saxophone were you using? Because unless you have two mouthpieces of your own, that’s unsanitary. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** I believe I already talked to you about violence towards your band mates. If you come across an argument in progress, smashing the heads of the two arguers together so hard that they are unable to march straight is _not_ the correct way of dealing with it. 

**Kushina Anna:** I am uncertain as to whether or not the lion plushie you had secured to your back during practice needs to be discussed. Will it affect your ability to practice in any way? 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** Please take off that helmet. I understand why you are wearing it, but I have already spoken to Mishakuji about making sure Totsuka is never behind you again, so you should be perfectly safe from now on. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** You may recall me previously informing Fushimi he could not disassemble his instrument on the field. That rule applies to everyone, not just him. I understand you forgot to bring items to mark your spots as we plotted today, but the various pieces and parts of your instrument were not appropriate substitutes. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** Get out of the hammock. Isana did not have permission to set it up, and you most certainly don’t have permission to take over it, especially since you’re supposed to be learning your plots and helping your section members with their own. 

**Chitose Yoh:** Shot glasses are not appropriate plot markers, no matter how impressive your collection is. 

**Doumyouji Andy:** I am not responsible for whatever will happen if you keep playing “My Humps” as a theme song for Awashima. 

**Totsuka Tatara:** I understand you are not entirely at fault this time, but please, _please_ , learn to control your flag. Please also learn to slide march properly. And please learn to do both at the same time, so that you never again repeatedly hit the head and backside of the person in front of you. 

**Hisui Nagare:** I am NOT a dictator! It is my job to run practices and instruct everyone, stop holding protest banners against my “tyranny”! 

**Hidaka Akira:** Just because Iwafune and Suoh ended up in Isana’s hammock together does not mean they are dating or that one of them is going to get pregnant. They were just being lazy, that’s all. (Also, please take a sex ed class, as you apparently really need it.) 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** I seem to have forgotten to mark down your attendance last practice. Were you there? I don’t recall seeing you, but I do remember two cymbal players practicing... 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Knives are not allowed on school property, and as such, should not be used as plot markers! Why do you have so many knives anyway? I am alarmed. And frankly, quite concerned for the physical wellbeing and longevity of your band mates. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** If you were going to go ballistic every time someone stepped on one of your makeup items, you should not have used them as plot markers. 

**Miwa Ichigen:** First off, thank you for agreeing to be assistant director of the marching band despite having been transferred to the literature department. It is a pleasure to work with you again. However, I must ask you to stop speaking in haiku. I understand that poetry is the focus of your class and that haiku are your favorite, but could you not choose a type of poem that better fits with 4-4 time? You’re confusing people. Yatogami in particular seems to have taken to subdividing his parts to fit a haiku-type pattern. 

**Munakata Reisi:** When your band mates decide to be lazy during practice, you should not stand nearby and play soothing flute music for them. They’re supposed to be practicing, not having a peaceful nap. 

**Yata Misaki:** Appropriate responses to members of the band’s leadership team include the following: “Yes sir”, “No sir”, “As you were sir”, and counting off steps. Under no circumstances should you be uttering responses such as “Up yours sir”, “Drop dead sir”, or anything involving swear words (of which you used several today). Though thank you for finally using the term “sir”. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** Your organizational capabilities are astounding. However, might I suggest you put them to better use than catering to Isana’s every need as he idles about during practice? Perhaps you could try convincing him to attend to his duties as drum major, though that’s just an example (please get him to actually do his job). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some events in this chapter are based off of real experiences. Namely, Kamamoto trying to play two saxes at once , and Totsuka hitting Kusuhara's head and butt with his flag.  
> Also just to be clear, there are other band members aside from the ones who get scolded all the time. Whether they are amused by all the problem children or horrified to the point of wishing they'd never joined band is up to your interpretation.


	5. Theme Song Time

**All Students:** There is no need for all of you to have theme songs. Or any of you. Cease and desist at once. 

**Akagi Shouhei:** Please cease all discussion of kinks, your’s or other persons’, at once. 

**Akiyama Himori:** Because I know you are saying it in all innocence, I must insist that you stop talking about your “pole”. You may mean your flag pole, but others are interpreting it… differently. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** No you may not make all the members of your section wear cat ears and add cat-like sound effects to your speech. Please stop. I mean it. The sight of Munakata in cat ears sent shivers down my spine, and I think I will have nightmares from his “cat voice”. 

**Awashima Seri:** I am in shock. I would never have expected this turn of events. Not only have you accepted your “theme song”, you have now teamed up with Doumyouji to give Munakata a theme song as well. And of all things, you chose “I’m Too Sexy”???? Developments like this are bad for my blood pressure, I hope you know that. 

**Isana Yashiro:** Putting a sign with your name on a tanuki statue is not going to convince anyone that it’s you. It looks nothing like you, and is obviously a statue. Stop skipping practice, please. 

**Inaba Sumika:** Please stop playing ring tone sounds on the pit instruments. You’ve brought the band to a halt no less than five times while everyone scrambles to check their phones. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** No you cannot make your section members carry your tuba for you. If you find your tuba too heavy, perhaps you should have chosen a lighter instrument. 

**Enomoto Tatsuya:** Yes you need to protect your ears, but just ear plugs will suffice for that. You are not working at an airport, you do not need the heavy duty noise cancellers. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Haha, very funny. Do you seriously expect me to believe that’s you? Up until now, you’ve been… portly, with short hair, and have been constantly eating despite my frequent admonishments. There’s no way that this skinny, long-haired guy who barely eats is you. Though I suppose I ought to congratulate you on such a creative- albeit not at all believable- way to skip practice. 

**Kamo Ryuuhou:** Please stop playing the sad trombone sound effects every time someone messes up. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** Do not join in this “theme song” trend! Yes, I certainly agree that playing “Everybody Wants To Be A Cat” for Ameno was more than fitting, but there is no need for everyone to have a theme song! It wastes time that could be otherwise used to practice, and causes all sorts of chaos, as you may have noticed! 

**Kushina Anna:** Ameno was trying to have you make _domesticated_ cat sound effects, not _big_ cat sound effects. As impressive as it was to hear you raise your voice for once, I think there were a couple accidents thanks to your sudden and unexpected lion’s roar. 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** Just because it’s called “jazz running” does not mean you need to do jazz hands. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** Just because you are the second-youngest student in the band doesn’t mean you can call everyone else old. Nor can you call them “has-beens”. This is the first year we’ve had a marching band since the incident ten years ago, you are all equally beginners. 

**Gotou Ren:** You are henceforth banned from going anywhere near the fog machine. Also, since when did we even have a fog machine? I don’t recall using one in any shows from before the Kagutsu incident. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** No you may not make your section members carry you as “conditioning”. It’s obvious you’re just being lazy. 

**Surt Eric:** If you’re running into things because your bangs are in your eyes, perhaps you should consider getting them trimmed, or investing in products to hold your hair out of your face. I understand the color guard has already started stocking up on bobby pins for performances... 

**Chitose Yoh:** Stop accusing me of double standards. The color guard practicing jazz walking is completely different from you practicing your strut. They actually have to do that to reach some of their plots on time. If you’re that jealous, next year, join guard. 

**Dewa Masaomi:** Stop practicing “Careless Whisper”. I may not be the most well-versed in modern culture, but I still know that meme. Everyone knows that meme. There has been enough talk of “shipping” even without you playing that song, so just don’t. The theme songs are bad enough, please don’t raise my blood pressure any more. 

**Doumyouji Andy:** No you may not hold a meeting to discuss further “theme songs”. There shall be no further “theme songs”. It has already been established that this trend is disruptive, not to mention your choices thus far have been far from school appropriate! 

**Totsuka Tatara:** Using spare flag silks as a cape is not allowed. Especially not for someone as prone to getting tangled in flags as you. On a side note, is your throat okay after almost getting strangled? 

**Bandou Saburouta:** Please cease all discussions of kinks, your’s or other persons’, immediately. Also, may I remind you that your mute is school property and should not be used inappropriately? You had better disinfect it before you return it, if that’s what you’ve been using it for. Or better yet, buy the school a replacement. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Stop telling people that you are going on strike. You are still attending practice and participating dutifully, how is that a strike? If anyone is striking, it is Isana, since he keeps skipping (not that you should take any leaves out of his book, or start actually striking). 

**Hidaka Akira:** Just because Fuse and Mishina happened to be standing near Dewa as he was practicing a certain meme song does not mean that they are in a relationship. Yes Mishina happened to be shirtless at the time, but that’s irrelevant. Similarly, Fujishima carrying Suoh does not put the two of them in a relationship either. Stop seeing relationships where none exist. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** As much as I try to keep an open mind towards dress code, I must ask you to change. People are fainting at the sight of you. You have frightened half the band, and a few people have gotten secondhand heat stroke from looking at you in that ninja getup. 

**Fujishima Kousuke:** You do not get to call yourself a dj for dropping your bass drum. You get to call yourself a bad musician. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Stop complaining about vampires and brandishing a cross at Yata. Lose the garland of garlic, and put the stake down. It’s your own fault he did that. On a side note, where did you even get all that? 

**Fuse Daiki:** Please give Enomoto his glasses back. They are not “shipper lenses” and will not allow you to see whatever nonsense Hidaka is seeing. 

**Benzai Yuujirou:** Please make sure you do not mix up your marching music and the sheet music for your piano practice. It is a peculiar experience trying to play the show and hearing “Eine Kleine Nacht Musik” played on marimba in the background. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** Stop trying to prove you are “sexier” than Munakata. No one needs you to lie seductively on the field while they’re trying to march. No one needs you to spray yourself with water so you can have glistening skin. No one needs you to toss your hair. No one needs you to give them a lap dance (we are a high school band for crying out loud!). No one needs… Honestly, the list is just too long. Do you get the point? 

**Miwa Ichigen:** Don’t think I don’t know who helped the students find music for the “theme songs”. May I remind you that they should be prioritizing their show music and official pep band songs? 

**Mishina Souta:** Put your shirt back on. I know it’s hot, but we do have a dress code. Besides, your shirtlessness has caused various problems, such as being blinded by your pasty skin (Mishakuji has offered to recommend a tanning salon), being nauseated by your attempts to flex despite lacking muscle, and much jealousy from your female colleagues who cannot do the same. 

**Munakata Reisi:** Let me remind you that our school does have certain standards. Those standards do NOT allow for such behaviors as slowly unbuttoning one’s shirt and easing it off for an audience. I don’t care what Awashima and Doumyouji chose as your “theme song”, it is inappropriate so don’t do it! 

**Yata Misaki:** When Fushimi told you “bite me” he did not mean it literally. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** You may not act as drum major in Isana’s absence. Even if you are rather good at it. And much more reliable than Isana. And… on second thought, would you like to audition for drum major? I’m sure the rest of the pit can manage without you. Maybe. 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** I know it was you who suggested Ameno’s theme song. I am not impressed.


	6. Confessions and Other Chaos

**All Students:** Any song that you do not receive sheet music for as an official marching piece is henceforth banned from practice. I’ve already told you to stop it with this “theme song” trend! We need to be able to actually get some practice in! And to those of you who have been behaving sanely and have yet to make this list, thank you, and I’m sorry you have to put up with this madness on a regular basis, just as I am sorry _I_ have to put up with this madness on a regular basis... 

**Akagi Shouhei:** Please stop trying to convince your fellow bandmates to dress up as anime characters with similar voices to them. I’ve looked up your suggestions and some of them are quite alarming. 

**Akiyama Himori:** I’ve told you before not to listen to Mishakuji. There will not be any juggling in the guard routine, you can stop practicing. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** Yes, we all miss our drum major. No, that does not mean you can throw a temper tantrum demanding his return, or refuse to practice for anyone but him. Especially since he has yet to actually show any leadership during practices... 

**Awashima Seri:** If you’re that worried about dirtying your fencing uniform, then perhaps you should consider changing before you come to marching practice. 

**Isana Yashiro:** Has anyone seen our drum major? 

**Inaba Sumika:** I never took you for a gamer, but if today’s rendition of the “Mortal Kombat” theme is anything to go by, perhaps I should reassess that opinion. But while we’re on the subject, please don’t ever play that particular piece again. I looked away from the field for five seconds, and when I looked back, thanks to you everyone was shadowboxing and striking martial arts poses. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** I know it was your idea to play “King of Anything” as I entered the band room today. Don’t think I haven’t seen you plotting with Hisui. 

**Enomoto Tatsuya:** Please remember to take the harness off the bass drum before you try to do handsprings over it next time. Wait, scratch that: don’t do handsprings over the bass drums! Or any marching band equipment! 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** After having your parents confirm things, I would like to issue a formal apology for my accusations. That is indeed you, and I am sorry for indicating otherwise. I still find it hard to believe, but that does not change that I was in the wrong to call you out like that. That being said, I never thought I would have to say this, but please eat something. I’m worried you’re going to faint. 

**Kamo Ryuuhou:** It’s great that you are responsible, really it is. But you need to stop mothering your bandmates. They don’t need your help blowing their noses or holding their waterbottles as they drink. You’re creeping them out. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** Leave your memes at home. 

**Kushina Anna:** Please put on some sunscreen. Yes, you will be red if you don’t, but it will be a painful red. Do you really want that? 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** No, you cannot can-can march. That is not a thing, nor should it be, especially not for the one section that swings around six-foot metal flags. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** Don’t you think organizing the band to play “Turn Down For What” in the wake of Yukizome rejecting Mishina was a rather cruel thing to do? 

**Gotou Ren:** Please stop pointing out any time two or more students are standing remotely close to each other to Hidaka. He does not need fodder for his ships. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** Please do not stare at people and then, when asked what you’re looking at, respond with “Just wondering how long it would take you to burn”. It’s scaring people. It’s scaring _me_. At least I can pretend to myself you’re talking about sunburn, yes, that sounds reasonable... 

**Surt Eric:** Please stop trying to reenact the “When mom isn’t home” meme. Even if you weren’t using that piece as a theme song, I do not think it is acceptable. And justifying it with “But the drum major really isn’t here!” doesn’t help your case at all. 

**Chitose Yoh:** Condoms are not any more appropriate as plot markers than the shot glasses were. 

**Dewa Masaomi:** Isn’t it a bit pretentious to designate your own “theme song”? And don’t claim you didn’t, no one “just happens” to bring a fur coat to marching band practice in the summer, so it’s not a coincidence that you were wearing that when your section mates started playing “Thrift Shop Song”. 

**Doumyouji Andy:** Stop telling your section mates to memorize your music and plots for you. 

**Totsuka Tatara:** When people ask you if you’d like to be involved with their malicious schemes, please say no. It terrifies me to realize that someday you might throw yourself into a life of organized crime with a cheerful “okay!”, all because someone asked. 

**Bandou Saburouta:** If you were going to cry that much over it’s loss, then you shouldn’t have brought that helium balloon to practice. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Please get rid of all the banners, campaign buttons, and other paraphernalia you have created in your so-called “protest movement” against me. This includes the group chat you created, which yes, I know about. 

**Hidaka Akira:** Please stop trying to foretell how many babies Hirasaka and Totsuka are going to have. They are not a couple. We’ve talked about this “shipping”. Though I suppose you do have a point about Fujishima and Surt... 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** No you may not enlist Totsuka to help you ambush people. I don’t care if he agreed to it, or if he has a natural knack for blinding people with his flag (among other things). That is not acceptable! 

**Fujishima Kousuke:** Do not dig out percussion equipment just so you can help your friend enact a meme. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Carbonated beverages are now banned from practice. If you don’t like it, then maybe you and Yata shouldn’t have caused so much mayhem. 

**Fuse Daiki:** Purposely squeaking your instrument whenever you feel your section mates are being too rowdy is just plain rude. Find a more constructive way to express your dissatisfaction. 

**Benzai Yuujirou:** Please stop quoting “For whom the Bell Tolls” every time you play the bells. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** I am disappointed in whoever thought it was a good idea to make “Toxic” your theme songs. But what disappoints me even more is your apparent need to show off your intimate familiarity with the music video. We have enough reenactments as it is, please do not add more. Also, where did you even get that flight attendant uniform? 

**Mishina Souta:** Even if the drum major is not on the podium (or indeed is not at practice at all), that does not mean you may take over it in order to confess your love for a band mate. Especially if there is a chance of you falling off and breaking your arm should you be rejected. I really hope you can still play your saxophone with that cast on. 

**Munakata Reisi:** Please stop trying to train your section to recognize certain musical phrases as commands. When any five given flute players are somehow doing a dozen different things at once, it does not end well. 

**Yata Misaki:** As nice as it was to see you and Fushimi getting along for once, I think I speak for the entire band when I say that I’d appreciate it if you two could get along without exploding something, particularly when that something is Fushimi’s bottle of grape soda. That stuff is sticky, and it stains! 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** Just because I called out Assistant Band Director Miwa on inappropriate behavior does not mean Nagare is right about me being a dictator. Do not join his protest movement. 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** While your about-faces are looking very sharp, I must ask you to stop doing them whenever Mishina enters your field of vision. I understand you are embarrassed at having been publicly confessed to, but you cannot avoid him forever.


	7. Pep Band Power

**All Students:** Outside music may be banned, but that does not mean you can use pep band pieces as “theme songs” instead! 

**Akagi Shouhei:** Thank you for asking if you could modify your marching uniform for cosplay purposes, rather than just doing it. I’m afraid, however, that the answer is no. 

**Akiyama Himori:** No you cannot write a “marching band musical” using all the theme songs that have been put to use. For one thing, you’d have to sort out all sorts of copyright issues, and I’m sure you don’t want to go there. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** Your concern for our missing drum major is appreciated, but that does not mean you need to hijack the school’s PA system to search for him. 

**Awashima Seri:** I know you are trying to be supportive, but please don’t hug your section members. Do you know how many nosebleeds you’ve caused? 

**Isana Yashiro:** Thank you for calling me about your absence from today’s practice. However there are a few problems, namely that 1: you called me _after_ the practice, and 2: you skipped practice to attend a hang gliding lesson. Please get your priorities in order. Preferably before Ameno and Yatogami put you on a missing persons list. 

**Inaba Sumika:** Yes, yes, we get it. Iron Man is Fe Male. That doesn’t mean you can arbitrarily make “Iron Man” the theme song for the student council president. She’s not even in the marching band! 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** As much as I’d like to believe that “Tequila” is your theme song because it’s a fun upbeat song that matches your personality, I’m not that naive. You will now be attending an extracurricular lecture on alcohol. 

**Enomoto Tatsuya:** Bass drum jousting is not a thing. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Your fan club is out of control! Tell them to go back to whatever anime they crawled out of, because we need to be able to practice! 

**Kamo Ryuuhou:** Why are you looking to hire a babysitter from among your bandmates? You may not have noticed this, but they’re all practicing at the same time you are (except for our drum major, but he should be here anyway). And besides, would you really trust any of them to watch a toddler? ~~Because I wouldn’t.~~

**Kusanagi Izumo:** The correct response to seeing your section actually run through a sequence of plots without getting lost is not “Well s*** me a brick, hell just froze over.” 

**Kushina Anna:** The next time you see one of your bandmates running away from the field as practice is starting, please say something. The Ameno PA fiasco could have been prevented if you had just taken a moment to point out that she was on the run. 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** Please do not provide color guard equipment to the bass drums so that they can try “jousting”. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** I’m curious, did you insist “Small Things” should be Kushina’s theme song because of the lyrics, or because she calls herself a “smol” on a regular basis? 

**Gotou Ren:** You may not use straw curse dolls as plot markers, especially not if you are going to laugh sinisterly every time you or anyone else steps on one. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** You may not divvy the band up into seven “nations” so that you can fight them all, as per the lyrics of your theme song. Who even suggested that song for you? Did they not realize what a Terrible IdeaTM it was? 

**Surt Eric:** Stop doing the “Immigrant Song” scream. 

**Chitose Yoh:** It is entirely possible that the sole reason the “Shots” cadence is your theme song is because of your shot glass collection. However, given that I am still dubious as to why you have a shot glass collection in the first place, your attendance will be mandatory for the upcoming extracurricular lecture on alcohol. 

**Dewa Masaomi:** Hats really aren’t good plot markers. They are too light, and they get kicked too easily. And also you’re sullen enough even when you’re not sulking over kicked hats. 

**Doumyouji Andy:** I’m pretty sure I have yet to hear any ladies say you’re “Pretty Fly”. Probably because they don’t. Also, you are not a white guy. You’re Japanese. 

**Totsuka Tatara:** You may not change your name to Caroline just because you like the fact that “Sweet Caroline” is your theme song. 

**Bandou Saburouta:** Please stop taking off your sunglasses so you can put them on again and do bad “Terminator” impressions. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Wait a second… Is all this protesting because I told you that you couldn’t march with your pedal harp? We don’t have music for it, and how would you even march with that thing? 

**Hidaka Akira:** Just because Yata ended up falling on top of Yukizome does not mean they are dating. Yukizome just happened to have the misfortune of getting in Yata’s way as he was rampaging after Fushimi. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** Using caltrops as plot markers is dangerous. Also, may I remind you that weapons are not allowed on school premises? 

**Fujishima Kousuke:** Bass drum jousting is not a thing. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Did you really have to suggest “Little Bitty Pretty One” as a theme song for Yata? Really? 

**Fuse Daiki:** No, I am not willing to consider doing the macarena as a general effect. Nor any dances made famous by music videos. And definitely no twerking, as we are, as I’ve said a hundred times already, a HIGH SCHOOL BAND (also, our performances are open to the public, so we have to be G-rated)! 

**Benzai Yuujirou:** Where did you get that kotatsu, and why on earth did you bring it to the field? It’s summer! Oh, and also kotatsus and marching band aren’t really the best mix in the first place. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** Please stop stealing people’s sheet music and folding it into origami. 

**Mishina Souta:** Did you have to equate Fushimi’s suggestion on a theme song for Yata to genitalia size? Really? 

**Munakata Reisi:** No you may not take tea ceremony breaks. 

**Yata Misaki:** Thank you for at least having the sense to “prove yourself” to Mishina in the bathroom. Now will you please stop trying to murder Fushimi? You’re doing a lot more damage to pretty much everyone except him. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** Thank you for stopping Ameno’s attempted hijacking. However, if you could try and do so without breaking down any doors, that would be appreciated. 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** Yes, yes, we get it. Iron Man is Fe Male. That doesn’t mean you can arbitrarily make “Iron Man” the theme song for the student council president. She’s not even in the marching band!


	8. Instrument Maintenance

**Akagi Shouhei:** No you may not remodel your instrument case for cosplay purposes. It’s school property. Buy your own instrument case, and I couldn’t care less what you do with it. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** It’s been a couple weeks now, don’t you think you could learn people’s names instead of giving them peculiar nicknames? You don’t have to know the entire band, but at least learn the members of your section. For instance, Munakata, one of your section leaders, is not “Boss Glasses”. Do not refer to him as such, he’s got a big enough head already. 

**Awashima Seri:** I’m sure it was very nice of you to organize everyone’s instrument cases to neaten up the bandroom. However, because you stacked them in such a complex structure, no one is sure how to go about retrieving their cases without causing a collapse. 

**Isana Yashiro:** No you may not parachute onto the field using a flag silk. You will hurt yourself. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** Not to get into a religious debate here, but your bandmates need a lot more than just Jesus, if you ask me. Like therapy. And straightjackets. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Instrument maintenance is all well and good, but please don’t take your instrument apart unless you know how to put it back together. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** Are you trying to make it so we don’t have any pep band songs we can play? Is that why “Eye of the Tiger”, “Zoot Suit Riot”, “25 or 6 to 4”, and “Lowrider” have all become theme songs based on your suggestion? 

**Kushina Anna:** Given the amount of people losing their footing, maybe marbles weren’t the best plot markers... 

**Gojou Sukuna:** Do you really think I’m dumb enough to believe that those water balloons were intended to cool your bandmates down with? You just wanted to throw things at people, admit it. 

**Gotou Ren:** I hate to break it to you, but that “chapstick” you borrowed from Hidaka? That was cork grease. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** You already have five drums, why do you need to play everyone else’s instead? 

**Chitose Yoh:** I don’t care if Bandou dared you to, you cannot drink your valve oil! 

**Doumyouji Andy:** I was unaware that you are half Italian, and therefore could, in fact, be considered a white guy. This does not change the fact that no one thinks you are “Pretty Fly”. 

**Totsuka Tatara:** Please remember to tie your shoes. Or better yet, get shoes with velcro, since I can picture you having troubles with shoelaces all too clearly. 

**Bandou Saburouta:** Daring people to drink fluids not meant for human consumption is dangerous and should not be done. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Bribing people to carry your harp for you so you can play it only proves my point: it’s too much effort. Besides, you’re doing an excellent job on the snare. 

**Hidaka Akira:** I’m not sure what’s going on with Mishakuji and Yatogami, so for the time being, no comment. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** Please stop using your made up “ninja-speak”. When all you’re saying is “nin-nin” in varying tones of voice, no one has a clue what you are trying to express. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** I suppose I should be glad you didn’t use anyone’s instruments, but consider this: water bottles are not weapons either. 

**Fuse Daiki:** I understand you are getting a little tired of dealing with Kamamoto’s fan club, but telling them that he is “about as straight as my saxophone” may not have been the wisest decision. Last I heard, they were discussing which of you two would top. I’m surprised Hidaka hasn’t jumped on this yet... 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** Would you care to explain why you felt like draping yourself across the top of the marimba? 

**Munakata Reisi:** Please stop pushing up your glasses in such a way that they reflect the light like you are some anime character. It may look cool or sophisticated in anime, but in reality, it just looks like you need new frames. 

**Yata Misaki:** Your trombone is not a tool for keeping people you dislike away from you. Especially not when you demand they stay a 7th position distance from you. Especially not when “people you dislike” means just about everyone, including your section leaders and myself. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** No we will not burn the marimba to “purify it of the taint of Mishakuji”. Marimbas are expensive, you know. 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** Is there a reason you keep having conversations with yourself?


	9. Rainy Day

**Akagi Shouhei:** It doesn’t matter how many fictional characters you name that can affect the weather, it’s still going to keep raining. 

**Akiyama Himori:** As impressive as your sewing skills are, I must ask you not to use them to patch together flag silks to make a canopy for protection from the rain. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** Please come out of your instrument locker. I understand that you do not like the rain, but please keep in mind that there is no guarantee that there will be good weather during performances. 

**Awashima Seri:** I’m sure we’re all very proud of you for having your lifeguard certification, but you can put the buoys away. The rain may have been heavy, but it wasn’t _that_ heavy. 

**Isana Yashiro:** Sorry to be insensitive, but the next time you have an existential crisis, do you think you try doing it someplace other than the middle of the field? Please? On a more positive note, thank you for attending practice for once. 

**Inaba Sumika:** It’s really hard to tell you this when you seemed to be having so much fun, but you need to refrain from jumping into large puddles and splashing your bandmates. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** Your tuba is not an umbrella, and should not be treated as such. If anything, you should be trying to use your body to cover your instrument, not the other way around. 

**Enomoto Tatsuya:** I understand that it is difficult to have glasses when it is raining, but was the scuba mask and snorkel set really a necessary substitution? 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Just because it is raining doesn’t mean you can take a nap. 

**Kamo Ryuuhou:** While I understand that it is unfortunate that you left your laundry hanging outside, you cannot abandon practice just to go home and bring it inside. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** Please stay out of the rain. We’ve had enough cases of mistaken identity without you changing your hairstyle so as to keep the wet strands out of your eyes. 

**Kushina Anna:** Please stop sulking over the fact that it is not literally raining cats and dogs. 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** Never ever touch a wet flag again: when you do, you turn into Totsuka. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** Please stop challenging the weather. It is not appropriate to yell “Is that all you got?” when it starts pouring, nor is it acceptable to react to lightning strikes by shouting “Missed me, b****!” at the sky. 

**Gotou Ren:** Isn’t it a little too late to start making your teru teru bozu dolls once it’s already raining? 

**Suoh Mikoto:** Please stop sulking because you wish that, instead of water, it would be “Raining Men”. 

**Surt Eric:** Where did you get those floaties? Also, arm floaties as well as a waist floatie? Don’t you think that’s a little redundant? 

**Chitose Yoh:** Please do not take advantage of the slipperiness of the grass to breakdance. You’re going to break something, and it won't be a dance. 

**Dewa Masaomi:** It’s only rain, not a blizzard. You don’t need five layers of waterproof jackets, a poncho, a modified trash bag, and a canopy umbrella for protection. Then again, considering what some of your bandmates got up to, maybe you do... 

**Doumyouji Andy:** Isana would like me to inform you that he did not appreciate you stealing his umbrella to perform your rendition of “Singin’ in the Rain”, and also that you were off-key. 

**Totsuka Tatara:** You are the only person I’ve ever heard of who handles a flag with more skill when it is soaking wet. 

**Bandou Saburouta:** The school is not liable for any injuries sustained by your decision to attempt to create a “slip’n’slide” on the wet grass of the field. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Please stop doing drum rolls until there is a flash of lightning and then claiming you called the lightning bolt down with your drumming. 

**Hidaka Akira:** Hisui does not have a “lightning bolt jutsu”. Also, quit saying you witnessed a trumpet orgy, Gojou, Doumyouji, Chitose, and Bandou were merely trying to warm up after foolishly getting soaked in the rain. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** Please stop doing cymbal crashes with each lightning strike and calling yourself “The Thunder Queen”. 

**Fujishima Kousuke:** Please stop sulking over the fact that Bandou called your frog raincoat and bright yellow galoshes lame. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Yes, I have heard the saying that “idiots do not catch colds”. But there is also a saying that “only idiots catch summer colds”, and it is summer, so… Not that I’m saying anyone in the band is an idiot. A teacher would never say that about his students, of course not. Anyway, no matter what, practice still had to stop because, regardless of the possibility or lack thereof that students might get sick, there are also instruments to consider. 

**Fuse Daiki:** When Fushimi actually does something nice for once, DO NOT do anything that might discourage him. It was rare enough as it was to see him offer to share his umbrella with Yata, so why did you have to ruin it by yelling “Oh just kiss already!” 

**Benzai Yuujirou:** Instead of hiding underneath the xylophone, you really need to take it back into the band room. Instruments should not be left out in the rain. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** Please do not smear half the field on your face in an attempt to save money on mud masks. People were traumatized. 

**Mishina Souta:** Aren’t you a bit old to be making mud pies? 

**Munakata Reisi:** It was nice of you to produce an umbrella for me, but I do _NOT_ melt in the rain, thank you very much. 

**Yata Misaki:** Not wanting to get wet in the rain does not make your bandmates “weak”. If anything, it makes them smart, because they don’t want to get sick. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** No, the rain will not “cleanse the impure minds” of your bandmates. You’re hoping for a bit too much there. 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** I’m sure you were trying to cheer people up, but telling everyone “the bedraggled look really suits you!” didn’t make anyone feel better.


	10. Trumpets and Chickens

**All Students:** Given that we are running out of pep band songs that can be played without incident, Assistant Director Miwa has persuaded me to rescind the ban on the playing of non-assigned music. He assures me that your theme songs are just a harmless bit of fun and that you are all mature students who can still be productive during practice even with some mild distractions here and there. 

**Akagi Shouhei:** Please desist all efforts to copy my style so that I can be your Halloween costume. You can call it a compliment all you want, but I am taking it as an insult. 

**Akiyama Himori:** Please refrain from making body pillows designed to look like your bandmates. And please return all money from people who have commissioned you to do so. And please stop bringing your own personal “Yuu-kun” pillow to the bandroom, because you can no longer claim that it’s for you to hug when Benzai’s not around once he’s actually around. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** Please cease all attempts to turn your cleaning rod into a projectile by putting it in the end of your piccolo and blowing into the instrument as hard as you can. 

**Awashima Seri:** Please do not tell your section to get into the starting set with the command “Alright men, battle formation!” 

**Isana Yashiro:** Thank you for taking charge during today’s drill practices. However, when you repeatedly march the band off the field, it is obviously not accidental, especially when you follow up every time with “well since you’re no longer on the field, let’s take a break, or better yet go home!” 

**Inaba Sumika:** Please do not rearrange the vibraphone bars in order to spell words. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** Somehow, I wouldn’t have thought you would know how to play chess. 

**Enomoto Tatsuya:** Please refrain from detaching your bass drum from its harness and rolling it around the field whenever you get tired of carrying it. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** How are you only now realizing that you lost half the screws for your instrument when you took it apart last week? Especially since you even lost the screw to your ligature! 

**Kamo Ryuuhou:** Stop tending to Doumyouji. It’s his own fault, so let him suffer. 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** From now on, do us all a favor and watch what you say around the trumpets. When you mention chicken fighting, no matter what the context, it’s only inevitable that we’ll end up with trumpets sitting on each other’s shoulders and blasting out random notes at fortissimissimo as they attempt to shatter their opponent’s eardrums. I can only be glad you didn’t mention anything more dangerous, such as bungee jumping or motocross stunts (Will all students please note that these activities are prohibited to band members unless they have parental permission, proper supervision, and appropriate liability forms have been signed). 

**Kushina Anna:** Please put away the eggs. And then ask someone to explain to you what a chicken fight is. 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** I apologize for banning Akiyama from making more body pillows, but do you really think having a body pillow shaped like yourself as a dummy will magically protect you from the rest of your section? 

**Gojou Sukuna:** I’ve already talked to you about volume, haven’t I? Also, I don’t think Bandou particularly appreciated the way you kept cackling and referring to him as your “steed”, nor did the rest of the band like being called “peons”. You might want to work on that attitude of yours. 

**Gotou Ren:** Please stop trying to get blood from the trumpet players. Especially if it’s because you know a good black magic ritual that calls for “chicken’s blood”. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** Just because Chitose and Doumyouji teamed up for the trumpet section chicken fights does not mean that they are forming an alliance of redheads and that you need to take over since you have the reddest hair. Yes, Doumyouji may have shouted “Redheads stick together!” and Chitose may have responded with “Gingers for the win!”, but they’re trumpets. Only nonsense comes out of their mouth. Ignore them. 

**Surt Eric:** Please stop trying to march with your legs tucked into your hoodie in a fetal position. It doesn’t work. 

**Chitose Yoh:** Perhaps you shouldn’t have complied with Doumyouji’s wish to be spun if you fall over when dizzy. 

**Dewa Masaomi:** The trumpets were having a chicken fight. Not a cock fight. Stop taking bets. 

**Doumyouji Andy:** Perhaps you shouldn’t have asked Chitose to spin the two of you during the trumpet section chicken fights if you throw up when you get dizzy. 

**Totsuka Tatara:** When you see the trumpets having chicken fights, please do not say “that looks like fun, can I join?” As in, I don’t want to hear that from anyone, but especially not to someone as disaster-prone as you. 

**Bandou Saburouta:** No matter how insulting Gojou was being, dumping him on the ground might not have been the most appropriate action. Thankfully Gojou and his instrument were both safe, but… Well you shouldn’t have dumped him on the ground, even if that was a completely reasonable response to his insulting demeanor. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Just because you are missing a chess club meeting to be at practice does not mean you can instead spend practice playing chess with Iwafune on the field. If you’re going to do that, then just go to your club meeting already, instead of purposely disrupting our practice. 

**Hidaka Akira:** Please stop pouting because you thought a chicken fight was the same thing as “gay chicken”. I’m sure you’ll find new ships somehow. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** No, there will not be any general effects that involve you stepping onto people’s drums and being lifted into the air for a “grand cymbal crash”. That sounds like a surefire way to break some drum heads, if not the entire instrument. 

**Fujishima Kousuke:** No need to apply for the “carrot-top club”. There isn’t one. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** No you may not use the band as your science fair project. I don’t care if you’re convinced that you would win by doing so, I’m more concerned with the marching competitions that our band will participate in. 

**Fuse Daiki:** Please stop carrying around ice cubes so that whenever someone does something you find odd, you can drop one of the ice cubes down the back of your shirt and say the other person’s actions sent chills down your spine. 

**Benzai Yuujirou:** I agree that the pillow is a bit creepy, but no you may not destroy it because you are jealous it gets to spend more time with your boyfriend than you do. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** As impressive as it would be to have the guard members use two full-size flags in tandem, you do recall that Totsuka is in your section, correct? If you insist on this venture, please either have it as a solo or a split section activity. 

**Mishina Souta:** No you may not rename yourself “His High Majesty The Totally Awesome Really Buff Incredibly Talented Supremely Magnificent Utterly Superb Amazingly Wonderful Wonderfully Amazing Extremely Stupendous Truly Marvelous Very Gorgeous Mega Cute Absolute Studmuffin Positively Extraordinary Ultra Great Deeply Profound Decidedly Terrific and Super Cool Babe Magnet Sax God Souta”. It’s too long (I’m not sure I even got it right, and I even have it written down), not to mention entirely untrue. 

**Miwa Ichigen:** I am not convinced. 

**Munakata Reisi:** Please stop finding new ways to give commands. Using foreign language or synonymous statements only confuses people. Which, admittedly, might be your goal (it’s hard to tell with you), but it shouldn’t be. 

**Yata Misaki:** I know that height is a sensitive subject for you, but if you intend to keep participating in trombone suicides, perhaps you should find a box to stand on, rather than continuing to knock over whichever section members have the misfortune of standing next to you. I’ve heard some of the other trombones discussing changing the name to “trombone murders”. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** Mishakuji is not trying to seduce our assistant director. Please stop following him around, glaring and threatening to castrate and/or kill him for the “crime” of “tainting [your] lifestyle mentor”. 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** Your conversations with yourself are really starting to alarm people. It’s one thing to talk to yourself, but full-blown conversations are a bit much, especially when the topic of said conversations tends to be a discussion of how best to get rid of people you dislike and promote yourself to drum major. If you wanted the position, you should have auditioned.


	11. Stepping

**All Students:** As I stated at the end of last practice, we will need to start fundraising and I am open to ideas. However, I must add one caveat: fundraising suggestions must be appropriate and reasonable. 

**Akagi Shouhei:** Please stop treating the instruments like pokemon and “catching” them when their users are not looking. And stop challenging the section leaders to “gym battles” (though I hardly think that needs saying after your ill-fated challenge to Awashima). 

**Akiyama Himori:** You know, most people, when feeling mischievous, would settle for tying a person’s shoelaces together. There was no need for you to sew Chitose’s socks together, though I am rather curious as to how you managed such a feat given that you were only next to him for about three seconds. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** Please make up your mind when you assign theme songs. I have heard you play the song “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” for no less than a dozen people so far, including Awashima, Munakata, and Doumyouji, all of whom already have theme songs. 

**Awashima Seri:** I hate to break it to you, but no one is calling you “Ice Queen” because of the bags of ice you bring to practice for people’s drinks/ in case of injury. They’re calling you that because you’re so… stoic. To put it far too nicely. 

**Isana Yashiro:** Just because you’re the drum major doesn’t mean you can magically play all instruments, and therefore can go around giving everyone fingering tips. Given that you’ve even given false tips to the saxophones despite playing a saxophone as your main instrument, I think it’s safe to say you really don’t know what you’re doing. 

**Inaba Sumika:** Please stop sticking “kick me” signs to people during water breaks. 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** No, you cannot assign push-ups or other such punishments to other sections when your section messes up. 

**Enomoto Tatsuya:** Thank you for tuning all the bass drums. And the quints. But now that you are trying to tune the crash cymbals, it’s time to stop. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Dare I ask how you managed to get a splinter from your reed? 

**Kamo Ryuuhou:** I’ve never heard anyone use types of sushi for subdivision before, but if it works... 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** Your proposal to have the band breakdance their way onto the field as a march-on is rejected. Keep in mind that everyone will be carrying their instruments, and that there is no guarantee that we will have nice clean fields to march on. Also, with the spacing of our starting set, there would be guaranteed injuries, and that’s not counting all the students who think breakdancing involves literally breaking themselves. 

**Kushina Anna:** I must compliment your choice on Isana’s theme song. “A Thousand Miles” certainly is quite fitting for him, both in lyrics and meme quality. 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** Are you okay? Just… that was a lot of hysterical laughter. 

**Gojou Sukuna:** Do not take anything Suoh does as a challenge. He’s insane. And yes, as a trumpet player, you are insane too, but there’s different kinds of insance. For instance, all you students are driving me the kind of insane that involves crying myself to sleep at night and taking medications for my blood pressure, among other things. 

**Gotou Ren:** Lose the tarot cards. Everyone you’ve told a fortune for has run away crying because you said they were going to either die or somehow end up in their least favorite section. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** Why on earth are you marching in a handstand? What godly reason could there be to do so? And don’t say “because it’s cool”, because it is not cool. How do you intend to play your drums like that? Or even hold them, since your harness isn’t exactly meant to be worn upside down. 

**Surt Eric:** Please stop adding in random glissandos just because you think they sound cool. 

**Chitose Yoh:** Is there a reason you are conducting a poll as to which bandmates are most likely to have genital piercings? 

**Dewa Masaomi:** Please stop saying you “spiked” the water coolers because you added in sport drink powder as requested. 

**Doumyouji Andy:** I’m sure it was very kind of you to play "Taps" when Chitose went down as a result of Akiyama’s prank, but wouldn’t it have been nicer to help him? 

**Totsuka Tatara:** Did I just hear you ask Fushimi to teach you to twirl knives? Because no. 

**Bandou Saburouta:** There was no need for you to try and “avenge” Akagi. Especially when your idea of revenge involves following Awashima around begging for her to step on you. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Snare drums are not meant to play pianissimo. Especially not when you are supposed to be playing taps for the band to march to. 

**Hidaka Akira:** In what universe does Awashima making Akagi cry equate to the two of them being a couple? 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** No you may not charge an entrance fee to the field we practice on. 

**Fujishima Kousuke:** Putting aside the question of “why”, how on earth did you manage to call down a flock of birds, summon every squirrel and mouse on campus, and even attract a horse during practice today? Are you some kind of Disney princess or something? 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** Please refrain from constructing Rube Goldberg devices using your bandmates’ equipment. 

**Fuse Daiki:** There was no need to volunteer to step on Bandou in Awashima’s stead. Or to actually do it. 

**Benzai Yuujirou:** Please stop sulking because all your theme song suggestions were rejected as being too lame. It’s just that most of your bandmates only know classical pieces from their occasional use in commercials. Forgive their ignorance. 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** After I explained the issue with using two flags, now you want to try firedancing? You’re going to burn down the school! And no, that is NOT okay! 

**Mishina Souta:** Thank you for the fundraiser suggestion, however, we will not host a “stepping booth” in which you can pay your favorite band member to step on you. And don’t try to tell me it was Bandou’s idea. Bandou would not have volunteered Yukizome as well as Awashima. 

**Munakata Reisi:** Care to explain why we were marching on a giant jigsaw puzzle with an image of a grass field today? 

**Yata Misaki:** Please refrain from bringing a skateboard to practice and attempting to use that instead of marching. It’s not good for the field. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** No you may not rearrange everyone’s plots for feng shui purposes. You’re only causing collisions and confusing everyone, and also we won’t be performing on this field, so your efforts are moot. 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** Tampons are not acceptable plot markers. And before you ask, neither are any other personal products.


	12. Occultism and Munakata the (Clarinet) Player

**Akagi Shouhei:** … Sure. Go right on ahead. Cosplay as your instrument. Why not? It’s better than some of your ideas. 

**Akiyama Himori:** I’m sure it was very kind of you to sew kilts for the entire guard. However, as a member of the guard, you should know that, when Mishakuji told you to cover your butts, he meant that your hand should cover the butt of the flag. 

**Ameno Miyabi:** Stop laughing maniacally and get off the drum major’s podium. 

**Awashima Seri:** I know you have high standards and all, but what did you expect to happen when you blindfolded your section and told them to march the first movement plots without looking? You could have at least done it when the other sections weren’t also on the field! 

**Isana Yashiro:** No you may not skip practice because you are on your period. You don’t get a period. You are a cis-gendered male. Stop moaning about cramps! 

**Inaba Sumika:** Why are you wearing a T-rex outfit? Just because you are in pit and don’t have to practice plots does not mean you can wear an outfit that inhibits your movement. You can barely move your arms! 

**Iwafune Tenkei:** You evil-! You unspeakable-! I know it was you who made the theme song suggestion of “It’s a Small World After All”! This is why I banned theme songs in the first place! 

**Enomoto Tatsuya:** Please be more careful about what you do with your glasses. Especially if your vision is so bad without them that you have to be within six inches of a person’s face to be able to recognize them. 

**Kamamoto Rikio:** Backwards marching is not “moonwalking”. 

**Kamo Ryuuhou:** No you may not attach electrodes to your instrument so that you can go around showing people the “real electric slide”. That’s dangerous! 

**Kusanagi Izumo:** You may not test the effectiveness of the roll step of your section by making them march with cups of water on top of their head. Especially since half of them spilled their water on purpose to cool off a little. 

**Kushina Anna:** Please do not dye your water red. After you spilled some on yourself during the water break, many people thought you were the victim of a gristly incident of some sort. More than a few of your bandmates have already vowed to avenge you. 

**Kusuhara Takeru:** No you may not hogtie Totsuka to guarantee your own safety, or the safety of your section, or even the entire band. He hasn’t even given anyone a concussion recently! 

**Gojou Sukuna:** Um, you do realize those “bandanas” you picked up are swabs, right? No? Well they are. And the woodwinds would like them back. 

**Gotou Ren:** Why is there a pentagram painted on our field now? Or is it a pentacle? Whatever. Point is, it should not be there, and I know you’re at fault here. 

**Suoh Mikoto:** When you have been tackled to the ground, the correct response is not, “Oh this is comfortable. No clouds too, might as well take a nap.” 

**Surt Eric:** Thank you for hindering Hirasaka’s efforts, but using the argument, “he’s a chihuahua, not a virgin” was a bit rude, not to mention the two are not necessarily exclusive. 

**Chitose Yoh:** Thanks to you, the phrase “One time at band camp” is now forbidden. I hope you are happy. 

**Dewa Masaomi:** Please stop calling your instrument a “phone, sax” because it sounds like “phone sex”, and then saying how much you like it. 

**Doumyouji Andy:** Please stop pretending to faint in order to leave the field and retreat into the bandroom where there is air conditioning. There have been regular water breaks, I am not overworking you guys (It also doesn’t help that, melodramatic as you are, you tend to make a big production of flopping over. No one faints like that. No one). 

**Totsuka Tatara:** No, the color guard will not be lining up in front of people, holding a flag and saber which they will dramatically clash together and bang on the ground, declaring “You shall not pass”. 

**Bandou Saburouta:** Would you stop shouting “Leroy Jenkins”? I’m pretty sure that particular meme is older than you are. 

**Hisui Nagare:** Please stop tapping things out in Morse code on your drum rather than speaking. 

**Hidaka Akira:** Munakata is not a player. He was not making out with Suoh, he just tackled him to prove a point. Nor was he trying a kabedon technique on Yatogami, they were just discussing doing some studying together for AP chemistry. He was also not hitting on Enomoto, he was just returning his glasses. 

**Hirasaka Douhan:** This is the 21st century, you may not make virgin sacrifices to the percussion gods. So stop chasing Yata just because you think his inability to look girls in the face makes him the most virginal of your band mates. 

**Fujishima Kousuke:** Please do not wear your harness backwards, lie on your stomach, and claim that you have transformed into a snail. It is not amusing. Okay, maybe a little. But not when you are in the middle of the field where people will step on you. 

**Fushimi Saruhiko:** No you cannot have a drone fill your spot in the drill. 

**Fuse Daiki:** Must you announce your opinions on the fashion choices of your bandmates so that everyone around you can hear? Yes, that aloha shirt is tacky, but maybe keep that opinion to yourself rather than all but shouting “Even a blind person would think that tiki-torch patterned rainbow button-ups are a bad idea.” 

**Benzai Yuujirou:** Please don’t take up the bagpipes because your boyfriend is sewing kilts. Or if you must, could you at least use a practice chanter and spare our ears? 

**Mishakuji Yukari:** Those double flags might actually be a good idea… Lightweight, with shorter poles and smaller silks… Even Totsuka should have a difficult time hurting himself with those. 

**Mishina Souta:** Please refrain from using music stands for anything other than their intended purpose. They are not makeshift microphones, color guard equipment, construction equipment, or “spinny chairs”. 

**Munakata Reisi:** There is a little thing called personal space. You need to learn about it. Your complete disregard for it is causing some misunderstandings. Hidaka in particular is beginning to look like a rabies victim with all the shipping fodder you are giving him. 

**Yata Misaki:** Somehow I doubt the lower brass gods will accept any “cymbal player sacrifices”, so stop trying to convince the tuba, baritone, and other trombone players to help you capture Hirasaka. 

**Yatogami Kuroh:** I understand the urge to back away from someone who is in your face, but perhaps try to avoid getting backed up against a wall. 

**Yukizome Kukuri:** Where did the fox mask come from, and why are you wearing it? You can’t play your instrument like that!


End file.
